I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
