How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I need to calm my uterus...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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