Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
