I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
