please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize