right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
