There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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