You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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