i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Randomize
