My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
