i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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