Soap is not a condiment
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
