Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
