I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
