I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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