Taylor Swift is so right about you.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
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