The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I lost the right to judge tonight
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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