dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
