We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
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AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
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I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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