You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
