and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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