Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
