No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
