I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
