i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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