When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
