you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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