I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
