i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
