Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
