I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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