My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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