he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
