If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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