Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
