And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
