People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
