my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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