the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
