I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
