I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
