My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I need a burrito and a hug.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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