He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I can't put those talents on a resume
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
