Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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