I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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