I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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