Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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