god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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