Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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