ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
