I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
