Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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