Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
