she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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