you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm passing your future prison.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just pee around me
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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