he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.