Texts From Last Night

• Favorite

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)

  (512): View more from Texas

  Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (504): if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever) (512): Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them. http://tfl.nu/9n19
  Replies (3) Good night (1071) Bad night (475)
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college http://tfl.nu/r8zm
  Replies (24) Good night (4670) Bad night (939)
• Favorite

  (406): View more from Montana

  Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

  (1-406): View more from Montana

  What the fuck?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (406): Its weird to pet your cat with a boner (1-406): What the fuck? http://tfl.nu/9pm4
  Replies (48) Good night (2045) Bad night (8720)
• Favorite

  (620): View more from Kansas

  Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (620): Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid. http://tfl.nu/58do
  Replies (17) Good night (920) Bad night (4188)
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday. http://tfl.nu/ygu9
  Replies (9) Good night (6339) Bad night (996)
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty" http://tfl.nu/39ju
  Replies (7) Good night (1338) Bad night (1987)
• Favorite

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (405): Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable. http://tfl.nu/luso
  Replies (16) Good night (1068) Bad night (2208)
• Favorite

  (954): View more from Florida

  My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (954): My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted?? http://tfl.nu/5rk7
  Replies (7) Good night (1861) Bad night (452)
• Favorite

  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (337): Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex. http://tfl.nu/wf1h
  Replies (11) Good night (629) Bad night (2375)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home. http://tfl.nu/2kup
  Replies (1) Good night (1412) Bad night (454)
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Thank you for not boning my boss.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): Thank you for not boning my boss. http://tfl.nu/8tof
  Replies (1) Good night (1013) Bad night (467)
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman. http://tfl.nu/wow9
  Replies (2) Good night (513) Bad night (334)
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud? http://tfl.nu/etdo
  Replies (2) Good night (693) Bad night (245)
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (727): Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position http://tfl.nu/l5hj
  Replies (4) Good night (648) Bad night (267)
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay http://tfl.nu/przh
  Replies (4) Good night (306) Bad night (357)

Randomize