Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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