I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
