Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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